I used to think favors were just niceties—little social grease. Then I asked a coworker who openly disliked me for a tiny, weird favor and watched our frost melt. The Ben Franklin Effect isn’t charm school; it’s a psychological shortcut. It says: when you do someone a favor (yes, even your enemy), your brain scrambles to explain the mismatch. You resolve that by telling yourself you must like them. Wild, right? This piece is messy, opinionated, and practical. I’ll walk through why it works, how to use it to start mending relationships, scripts that don’t sound creepy, and the ethics you should actually care about.

What is the Benjamin Franklin Effect? (What is Ben Franklin Effect)

The weird little psychological phenomenon that makes enemies… warmer

The Benjamin Franklin effect (aka the Ben Franklin effect) is the idea that you can end up liking someone more after you’ve done them a favor. Yes, even if you didn’t like them first. Especially if you didn’t like them first.

It’s a psychological phenomenon that feels backwards because we assume the order goes: “I like you → I help you.” The Ben Franklin effect flips it: “I help you → my brain decides you must be worth helping → I like you more.” Sneaky. Annoyingly effective.

Benjamin Franklin’s petty little social hack (and I mean that lovingly)

The origin story is basically 18th-century chess. Franklin had a rival—someone who wasn’t exactly sending him friendship bracelets. So what did he do? He asked to borrow a rare book from the guy’s library. The rival lent it. Franklin returned it with a thank-you note. And somehow, that tiny moment of doing a favor cracked the ice and turned a political enemy into a friend.

Franklin, of course, had a flair for the dramatic:

“Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.”

Why it works: cognitive dissonance + self-perception theory

Here’s the brainy part, in normal-person language.

• Cognitive dissonance (Leon Festinger, 1957): If I think you’re a jerk, but I still help you, my brain hates that mismatch. So it smooths the tension by adjusting my attitude: “Maybe they’re not that bad.”
• Self-perception theory (Daryl Bem, 1967): I watch my own behavior like it’s evidence. “I did a favor for them… so I must be the kind of person who likes them.”

This isn’t just dusty history—Dale Carnegie was basically yelling it in 1936

Carnegie didn’t call it the Benjamin Franklin effect, but the vibe is identical. He wrote:

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

If you want citations, The Decision Lab, Wikipedia, and Psychology Today all break down the Ben Franklin effect without the powdered wig energy. Me? I just like that it turns awkward tension into something usable. Like social judo. Or emotional duct tape.

Why it actually works: cognitive dissonance & self-perception (cognitive dissonance)

Cognitive dissonance: your brain hates contradictions

Here’s the annoying truth: your brain is basically a drama queen. It can’t stand mixed signals. So when you’re beefing with someone—an ex-friend, a snarky coworker, that neighbor who “accidentally” steals your parking spot—and then you catch yourself doing a favor for them, your mind goes, Wait… why am I helping a person I don’t like?

That itch is cognitive dissonance (Festinger, 1957): the mental discomfort of holding two clashing ideas at once. “I dislike them” vs. “I just helped them.” And because changing your behavior retroactively is impossible (you already sent the file, already covered their shift, already lent the stupid charger), your brain often chooses the easier fix: attitude change. Suddenly they’re “not that bad.” Suddenly you remember they have a decent laugh. Gross.

Leon Festinger: “A man who has committed a considerable crime and then engages in self-justifying behavior will find his attitudes shifting to match his acts.”

Self-perception theory: you watch yourself like a stranger

Then there’s self-perception theory (Bem, 1967), which is even more humbling. It says we don’t always know what we feel first—we infer it from what we do. Like you’re observing your own life through a cracked iPhone screen: I helped them… so I must not hate them?

This is why the Ben Franklin Effect isn’t just “reciprocity.” Reciprocity says they’ll like you because you helped. The twist is: you often end up liking them more because your brain needs a story that makes sense.

Daryl Bem: “People come to know their attitudes by observing their behavior and the situation in which the behavior occurs.”

The sneaky bonus: asking flatters the asker

One more little psychological cheat code: asking someone for a favor makes them feel competent and needed. It shifts the social vibe from “we’re in a cold war” to “I’m trusted with something.” Even if it’s tiny—reviewing a doc, recommending a dentist, forwarding a contact—your request quietly upgrades the relationship building dynamic. And yes, it’s manipulative. But so is pretending you’re “fine” while rage-typing in Slack.

How to use it to mend relationships (mending relationships, favor request)

If you want mending relationships to actually happen, stop going big. Big apologies, big talks, big “can we clear the air?” meetings… they scare people. They feel like a trap. A tiny favor request is sneakier (in a good way). It lowers defenses because it’s practical, not emotional.

Step-by-step: small favors that don’t trigger resistance

1. Choose a 1–5 minute favor: opinion, quick check, borrowing a small item, a tiny intro.
2. Pick timing: when they’re not rushing, not performing, not surrounded by an audience.
3. Phrase it slightly vulnerable: “I could use your eye on this.” Not “You’re the expert, save me.”
4. Follow up with zero pressure: thank them once, then move on like a normal person.

Small favors work for conflict resolution because they acknowledge competence. You’re basically saying: “I respect you enough to ask.” Adam Grant nailed it:

“Asking for advice is the best way to flatter someone’s competence.”

Scripts that don’t sound manipulative (because they aren’t)

• Coworker you can’t stand: “Hey—can you sanity-check this slide title? One minute.”
• Family spat text:
  “I’m trying to not make this weird. Can you send me that recipe / contact / photo? If not, totally fine.”
• Networking relationship follow-up email:
  Subject: One quick question
Hi [Name]—I’m stuck between A and B for [specific situation]. If you had 2 minutes, what would you pick and why? No worries if you’re slammed.
—[Me]

Context tweaks: workplace, family, networking

Workplace: keep it task-based and fast. Nobody wants a feelings TED Talk near the printer.

Family: soften it. Add warmth. One extra sentence matters.

Networking relationship: ask for advice, not “a job.” “One question” beats “Can I pick your brain?” every time.

Keep favors reasonable. If your favor request creates a burden, you’re not mending relationships—you’re manufacturing resentment. And yes, people love to help—let them… but don’t make them regret it.

Scripts, ethics, and when it backfires (relationship building, negative attitudes)

Let’s get one thing straight: asking an “enemy” for a favor for someone isn’t a Jedi mind trick. It’s a tiny social nudge that can help resolve dissonance—if you don’t act like a cartoon villain. People can smell manipulation the way they smell burnt microwave popcorn in the office kitchen. Instant negative attitudes. Instant “nope.”

Two scripts that don’t sound like a TED Talk

1) Casual coworker ask (sincere, slightly self-deprecating)

Hey—quick favor? I’m blanking on where the latest client deck lives. Is it in Drive under “Q1 Sales” or somewhere else? If you can point me to it, you’ll save me from digging like a raccoon for 20 minutes.Tone note: keep it under 10 minutes, emotionally neutral, and specific. This is relationship building, not a hostage negotiation.

2) Family text (human, not manipulative)

Hey. I know we’ve been a little weird lately. Can I ask a small favor? What’s Grandma’s lasagna recipe again—the part with the weird amount of oregano? I want to make it this weekend.Tone note: a pinch of vulnerability helps. As Brené Brown says:

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection.”

Ethics checklist (aka: don’t be a jerk)

• Honest intent: you actually want peace, not leverage.
• Low burden: rule of thumb—<10 minutes, no money, no emotional labor.
• No exploiting soft spots: don’t target guilt, grief, or insecurity.
• One ask, then chill: repeated favors without reciprocity tends to breed resentment (and I’ve watched it happen).

When it backfires hard

• Unsolicited grand favors: “I fixed your whole website” can feel like entrapment with a hidden invoice.
• Repeated requests: you stop being “human” and start being “user.”
• Gaslight-y favors: “After all I’ve done for you…” is how you cement negative attitudes for a decade.

“There is only one way to get the best of an argument — avoid it.” — Dale Carnegie

If your ask comes with a scoreboard, don’t be shocked when they decline—and enjoy declining you forever.

Wild card: a hypothetical office rescue and an odd analogy (networking building, professional bond)

The 90-second pitch that accidentally fixes a feud

Picture it: fluorescent lights buzzing like angry bees, the office coffee smelling faintly burnt (and somehow… wet), and me trapped in that awkward elevator silence with my work rival. You know the type—always “circling back,” always somehow louder on Slack than in real life.

I’ve got a pitch in 20 minutes. My manager’s in a mood. My slides look fine, but my opening line feels like a dead fish. So I do the thing that feels illegal: I favor someone I don’t like. “Hey—can you look over my 90-second intro? Just tell me what sounds off.”

It’s tiny. 1–2 minutes. Low-effort. And crucially, it’s visible if I ask near the kitchen where people pretend to rinse mugs. Visibility adds social credit. Social pressure too. But that’s the point.

They scan it, tweak one sentence, and suddenly they’re invested. Later, I hear them in the kitchen—coffee breath and all—defending me: “No, she actually handled that client well.” That’s the Ben Franklin Effect in office clothes: their brain wants consistency, so the help turns into positive feelings. Warmth follows competence like a shadow.

Robert Cialdini: “The easiest way to reduce resistance is to let people feel helpful.”

Relationships are an old bicycle, not a renovation show

I think of relationship building like my ancient bike: it doesn’t need a full rebuild and a dramatic montage. It needs small repairs—tighten the chain, pump the tire, wipe the grime. Favors are those tiny fixes. That’s how networking building turns into an actual professional bond: repeated moments where someone gets to be the helpful person around you.

Okay, but what if they refuse?

Then you don’t flinch. You don’t punish. You don’t “joke” about it. You say, “No worries—thanks anyway,” and you mean it. Pivot to a smaller, private ask later, or ask someone else without making it a courtroom drama.

Adam Grant: “Giving and taking are both strategies; use the right one at the right time.”

Because sometimes the favor is 10 minutes, sometimes it’s 90 seconds, sometimes it’s a hard no—and the real flex is keeping your dignity intact while they stand there holding their sad little mug.

TL;DR: Ask for small, specific favors from people you want to warm up to. The Ben Franklin Effect (a cognitive dissonance/self-perception shift) makes helpers like their recipients more—use sparingly and ethically.